I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
