Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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