I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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