took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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