Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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