Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dicks are not precious.
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