I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
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I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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