Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
