I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
