I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
