did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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