I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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