How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
