why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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