I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
