Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
