we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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