My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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