i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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