Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Randomize
