So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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