I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
