Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
