did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
