The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
