I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
