Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
