see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
