Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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