Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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