After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
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An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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