True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
