never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
