I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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