really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
my poor anus
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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