you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
