i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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