Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
