Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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