Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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