In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
