clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
