I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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