These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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