tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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