You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
