does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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