So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
