oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
