Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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