How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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