I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my shit smells like andre
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....