my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
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He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade