I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can't motorboat a personality
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
