Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
