yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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