hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
